


mistletoe is the devil's plant

by howardlink



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Attempt at Humor, D.Gray-man Secret Santa 2019, Fluff, Gift Fic, M/M, a lot of it is about allen and lenalee fcking up lmao, i tried to make it lighthearted, slight Allen/Tyki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:26:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22147141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howardlink/pseuds/howardlink
Summary: in which allen walker is a bad wizard, lenalee is an apprentice of cupid and lavi is trying his best to win the heart of a headstrong young man.dgm secret santa 2k19 gift for kayejwrotes!
Relationships: Kanda Yuu/Lavi
Comments: 1
Kudos: 23





	mistletoe is the devil's plant

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kayejwrotes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayejwrotes/gifts).



> this is an incredibly late secret santa gift for @kayejwrotes, who is a super good writer so when i checked out their stuff i felt super intimidated like oh god i have to write for THIS legend-
> 
> kayejwrotes asked for "something seasonal or something fluffy, if there's magic even better. Pairing should be Lavi/Kanda or Tiky/Allen (but i'd REALLY REALLY like something Lavi/Kanda)" and because i'm extra i literally included every single thing they mentioned. lavi, kanda and tyki are normal people who know about the magic world. allen is terrible wizard and lenalee is an apprentice of cupid (i think cupid lena sounds so cool!!!!). also, it's inspired by how mistletoe is considered a parasitic plant. nuff said.
> 
> aaaand it's a huge ass mess. but hopefully an enjoyable one!!!!!!1!1 thanks to the dgmss2k19 team for organising this because it gave me the motivation to write for dgm again.
> 
> kayejwrotes, i'm so sorry for the lateness. i hope you like your gift. stay happy in 2020!

“So, the plan goes like this,” Lavi starts, leaning over the coffee shop table, “Yuu walks into the room and I’m just sitting there with my masculine charms turned up to max, in all my manspreading glory. Allen’s got the mistletoe ready and Lena has her sparkly arrow stuff and everything is going fine and perfect, Yuu’s skin is dazzling under the glow of the evening lighting, and we’re all ready to go. Anyway, I’m sitting there, manspreading—”

“You don’t have to say manspreading twice, you know,” Lenalee interrupted, stopping to take a sip of her frappuccino. “We get it. You’ll be manspreading. Don’t repeat that.”

“Better yet,” Allen quipped, “don’t manspread at all. Did anyone ever say Kanda likes a manspreader?”

Lenalee hummed. “Got a point there, I can’t even remember how manspreading came into the equation.”

“You _guuuuys,”_ Lavi whined, slamming his hands flat onto the coffee table. He jostled Lenalee slightly, who pulled her scarf straight again. “You’re not even listening to the plan! I’m trying to show him my badass, sexy, handsome and masculine charms. How else is he going to take me seriously?” The table shook with how roughly he slumped over it.

With a wry smile, Lenalee smoothed a hand over his shoulder and upper arm, hand flickering back and forth in an attempt to comfort him. “Just be yourself,” she reassured him. “Kanda’s a simple guy. You don’t need to overdo it. If you just spoke to him like a normal person, he’d probably be head over heels for you.”

“As much as _Kanda_ could be head over heels, anyway,” Allen muttered, getting a smack in the side from Lenalee’s quick fingers. 

“As I was saying, you don’t need these gimmicks, Lavi. Be you.”

Lavi looked up tearily, fingers coming up to smush Lenalee’s cheeks. “You mean it, Lena? I don’t need to be badass, sexy, handsome and masculine for Yuu?”

She clicked her tongue in slight disapproval, but acquiesced. “Absolutely. He’s practically my brother, for Christ’s sake. You don’t think I know him? Or is that you don’t trust me?”

“Of course I trust you! I’ll do what you said. But I just need one little favour— _one teensy, little, tiny, baby favour—”_

Allen, who was loudly slurping his milkshake (who even drank milkshakes in Winter?), halted and pulled the straw from his mouth. “Does it involve magic?” he said wearily. 

Lavi nodded. “Like I said, a _teensy_ bit. You’ll barely have to lift a finger, Allen, baby, please—”

“I’ll do it,” Allen said huffily, “but the rest is on you. If he doesn’t fall in love with you, then that’s nobody’s fault but your own. We gave you our advice.”

Lenalee nodded. “And you already know my arrows only set things in motion. I can’t make him fall in love with you,” she said grimly, “and I can’t control anything else that happens after he gets hit with my arrow.”

Hastily, Lavi shot up from his seat, making the other two in the booth reel back in surprise. “That’s all I need,” he said fiercely. “All I need.”

-

“Lenalee, we’ve got a _huge_ problem! And I mean really huge! So huge that if like, Bigfoot came in and saw this problem he’d be like, holy fuck that is _huge, it really, really, REALLY, is that huge-”_

“Allen, calm down!” Lenalee interrupted, irritable. First, Lavi had sent her to the store to pick up the cheesy decorations he’d ordered to surprise Kanda. Then, she had to carry the dinky, glittery little things and arrangements of poinsettias back to the apartment by herself since Allen was busy with the mistletoe, Lavi was out polishing his moves and Kanda was completely unaware of their plan. To top it off, Lenalee had barely received permission from Cupid to use one of her arrows, and it wasn’t without a huge scolding. _Playing with destiny,_ they said, _this is why you’re my least favourite apprentice,_ they said, _what are you doing put that Louboutin down,_ they said. Being one of Cupid’s apprentices was a struggle.

“But- I mean- Lenalee, you’re really going to have to see this. It’s-”

“Let me guess, she said, using her shoulder to push open the door to their building, minding her arms overflowing with boxes and flower pots. “Is it _huge?”_

Lenalee swore she could hear some loud, crunching noises and Allen yelping. “That’s exactly it, yes!” 

“Allen,” Lenalee chided, “you’re not making much sense. I’m on my way up so just tell me then, alright?”

There were some more shuffling noises coming through the receiver, and then Allen made a sound of surprise. “You’re already here? Lenalee, wait, Lavi can’t see this. And you’ve got to stall Kan-” 

Lenalee hung up.

“Weirdo,” she muttered putting down one of the boxes to fish around in her jacket pocket for her house keys.

Opening the door without glancing inside, Lenalee picked up the box again and pushed through the door, shouting “Allen I’m home, what ha-”

Allen turned around to face her from across the threshold of the living room, looking guilty. But that wasn’t the strange part. The strange part was that the entire room, from the floor to the walls and the ceiling was covered in tree branches, extending far and wide across the apartment. Lenalee gasped, dropping the boxes and poinsettias, barely able to see Allen though the branches stretched across the living room, growing and extending by the second. They began to flower with mistletoe in multiple places, and finally Lenalee caught on.

“Allen,” she growled. “What the _hell_ did you do?”

“I can explain,” he whined, beating off part of a mistletoe bush that was attempting to curl around his wrist. “I promise, it was an accident! I was googling how mistletoe was made, because obviously I don’t know anything about it beyond people wanting to be kissed under it, and then I found out it grows by attaching itself to a host tree. So I tried to grow a tree for my mistletoe charm, and um, I might have used too strong a spell?”

Agitated, Lenalee, stomped her foot, crushing a vine of mistletoe trying to sneak around her ankle. “Allen, I cannot believe you right now. Did anyone ever tell you how suckish you are for a wizard? Literally, you are the most useless wizard ever. Especially for a British wizard. Harry Potter must be rolling in his grave.”

“Harry is dead?” Allen said seriously.

_“Allen,”_ Lenalee whispered venomously. 

“Sorry, bad timing. By the way, you hung up the phone too quick! Lavi cannot see this, Lenalee. He’s gonna be so disappointed in me. Did you know I was his cool friend?”

She scoffed in response, “Well now you’re definitely his _uncool_ friend. How do we stop this spell?”

“We can’t,” Allen wailed, “I don’t know how. I’ve never used a mistletoe charm before!”  
“And you thought _now_ was the time to experiment?!”

“Who can say no to Lavi’s smile?!”

“Kanda, after he sees this mess,” Lenalee exclaimed, almost shouting as she pulled mistletoe from her hair. Her cut and blowdry cost a _fortune._

“Lenalee, come on, help me! I lost Tyki somewhere in the shrubs,” Allen said, pulling vines leaves from his legs and trudging through the living room. “And now I’ve lost my phone. How do we know when Lavi is coming?”

Panting from the effort, Lenalee hastily pulled the kitchen scissors from the drawer, and began to cut some of the mistletoe down. “For now, let’s just work on getting rid of this. And find Tyki, for God’s sake!”

-

Fifteen minutes later, Allen and Lenalee still hadn’t found Tyki, and the bins in the apartment were stuffed to their brims with mistletoe bushes. But the tree just kept growing, and with it more mistletoe bushes began to sprout.

“There’s truly no end to this,” Lenalee said, panting. She slumped onto the sofa in exhaustion. “Kanda will kill us. And Lavi will cry.”

A distance away, closer to Lavi’s reading corner in the apartment, an echo of a phone began to ring from within the shrubs and tree branches. Cautiously, Allen began to inch towards it with the scissors, continuing to brush away leaves which were tangling in his knit sweater and dusty, snow coloured hair. He began to slice through the mess in the general direction of the noise, feeling as though he had accomplished nothing until he sliced through one final shrub and saw a human hand gripping the phone.

“Tyki?!” Allen shouted, pulling on the arm in a futile fashion, trying to free him from the shrubs. 

“I thought I was going to _die,”_ he gasped, gripping his neck with his right hand. “I nearly suffocated. I could’ve sworn this goddamn plant was trying to choke me out at some point.” Tyki’s whole body was consumed by a mess of leaves and mistletoe, barely freeing his head and arm. His neck was marked with vines and small scratches from the branches, as if the ever-growing mess of trees and mistletoe truly had tried to choke him.

Lenalee sat up on the sofa. “Allen, the goddamn phone,” she hissed. 

He paled. “It’s Kanda,” he whispered. “I can’t.”

“Tyki nearly died, and you can’t answer a phone call.”

Immediately, Allen’s voice rang out in the apartment. “Kanda, hi, how are you?”

_“Idiot. Why the fuck are you answering Tyki’s phone?”_

“Oh, this is Tyki’s? Haha, silly me. Thought it was mine!” he laughed nervously.

_“Then why the fuck is Tyki’s phone with you?”_

“He’s over at our place right now. Which reminds me, you don’t know where Lavi is, do you?”

_“Lavi? Last I heard, he’s heading back to the apartment. Said we were having a Christmas party or something. It’s not even Christmas yet. Was this your idea, brat? Wanted a little birthday party, did you? Whatever, don’t answer that ‘cause I don’t care. I’ll be at the apartment in a few minutes anyway.”_

Lenalee gestured wildly, catching his eye from across the room. _STALL HIM,_ she was mouthing.

“Uh, so Kanda, what do you think about Lavi?”

Lenalee smacked her forehead in frustration.

Allen could almost hear Kanda frowning through the phone. _“Who the fuck put you up to this?”_

_Well,_ Allen thought, _might as well roll with it._ “Nobody, silly. I was just thinking,” he trailed off, wondering what to say. “Lavi’s pretty cute, right? He’s super handsome. I think Lavi’s a total hottie.”

The line went silent.

Eerily, Allen turned around, seeing Lenalee viciously gesture with her hand across her neck, telling him to cut it out. 

Allen whimpered. “You still there?”

_“Leave Lavi alone before I tear your throat out.”_ And, like lightning, Kanda hung up.

Allen stared at the screen in disbelief. “Did he just-”

“-Get jealous?” Tyki interrupted, equally as in disbelief. “I can’t believe it. What just happened?”

“Guys! We’ve got bigger problems here! Ok, so the mistletoe isn’t working out, but that’s only part of the plan. We still have my arrows. Since Allen sucks at stalling for time, Kanda’s on his way up first, so I’ll fire it as soon as he comes through the door and then we’ll keep our distance until Lavi comes in. And then bam, they fall in love, we all clean up this mess and we can go on with our lives, got it?” Lenalee said, out of breath. She pulled branches and leaves off her arms, rubbing the middle and index fingers of her right hand against her thumb, watching as a glittery red light began to shine from between them. Her bow and arrow began to form, sparkling and shimmering in the dim light of the room, windows covered in branches and shrubs. 

“Wow,” Tyki said, still stuck in a ball of mistletoe. “That’s pretty. God, I wish I could be hit with that.”

“It’d hurt,” Allen said, wearily looking at the shiny, golden tip of the arrow.

“It’s magic, it hardly hurts,” Lenalee scoffed.

Tyki’s single free hand flew up disarray. “Magic can _hurt,_ just look around you!”

They were interrupted by the sound of a key in the front door and somebody outside it.

“Crap, Kanda’s home! We’re so dead!” Allen wailed, clutching Tyki’s one free arm. He was sweating, because it was almost entirely his fault that this had happened. But in his defence, he didn’t ask to be a bad wizard with the most incompetent teacher on the planet. Cross taught him how to play card games and nothing else, so being a wizard felt a lot like a title similar to children's birthday party clown.

The echoing sound of the door was accompanied with a bright and friendly voice, signalling that not only was Kanda home, but Lavi was too. Lenalee was going to scream. This entire plan had been a failure.

“Lena, the arrow, fire it!” Allen cried. “Just fire it the second the door opens, and don’t look back!”

True to Allen’s words, the minute Kanda had cracked the door open, Lenalee angled her bow and fired her glittery arrow, sending it sparkling through the threshold of the living room and towards the front door. For a second, it looked like Lenalee’s arrow had been a success, but the eternally growing branches of Allen’s spell had stretched behind the front door and forced it to shut on itself. Lenalee’s arrow hit the back of the door, ricocheting off the surface, firing across the room multiple times and finally planting itself straight into Tyki’s forearm.

“Fuck!” Tyki cried out. “Fuck… you, baby. Allen, have you done something different with your hair? You look nice.”

Allen blushed, “Tyki, what? What the hell just happened?”

“Your goddamn _spell,_ Allen! The branches forced the door shut! It didn’t hit Kanda, and now Tyki’s caught feelings for you, and this whole thing _sucks!”_

“Use another arrow,” Allen replied, keening at the feeling of Tyki’s hand on his back. “Just ask Cupid!”

“Cupid barely let me use the first one!”

A loud crunching noise could be heard from the front of the apartment, and the duo looked forward to see Kanda had used brute strength to force the door open.

“What. The. Fuck?”

Lenalee covered her face with her hands.

-

“Let me get this straight,” Kanda said. He was sitting outside of the apartment, on the stone steps. It was startlingly cold, and he was bundled up in a down jacket and striped scarf that had been his Christmas gift from Allen last year. The mistletoe mess had only kept growing, so they’d ended up evacuating the apartment and calling someone from the Ministry of Magic to deal with the mess. Allen feared getting in trouble because his spell was responsible, but after Cross’ name had cropped up a few times in the conversation it was easy enough to shift the blame onto his teacher instead. And since the guy was practically Santa Claus, barely turning up once in a year, the group figured Cross would never suffer the consequences of the troublesome mistletoe spell. 

“Yuu, just let me explain,” Lavi said dejectedly. “It isn’t Lena or Allen’s fault. Or even Tyki, God knows how he ended up there.”

“No, I think I understand the situation perfectly,” Kanda replied gruffly. “You put Lena and Allen up to some stupid plan where they’d team up and make all this romantic shit to get me to fall in love with you?”

“...Pretty much?” Lavi said, voice an octave higher. “I’m gonna be honest with you. I really, really like you, Yuu. I’ve liked you since we first met! And this is our, what, fourth Christmas together? I thought it would be nice to finally confess. You’re amazing, and I know I’m kind of annoying, and I talk a lot, and I’m overenthusiastic, and I keep rooting through your bag to see what kinda books you’re reading, but it’s because I really want you to like me too. But you don’t like me, and that’s okay. I shouldn’t have gone so far, and I’m sorry for that. I got Lena to use her arrow, but it ended up hitting Tyki. I told Allen to use a mistletoe charm, but it ended up getting way out of hand. I get it, I can’t force it. I played around with things a bit too much. I hope you can forgive me.”  
“You are such a fucking idiot, Lavi.”

He laughed bitterly in response. “I guess I am, yeah.”

“Yeah, you are. The _stupidest_ idiot. The biggest imbecile ever. You’re actually the smartest one here, but you suck at showing your feelings. Why didn’t you just ask me like a normal goddamn person would?”

“Lena said the same. I thought you deserved more.”

“You’re enough,” Kanda whispered. “You’ve always been enough, you fool. Don’t try so hard to impress me.”

Lavi looked up slowly. “What? You really mean that?”

Kanda looked away. “Yes, idiot. I think you’re a pretty great guy. If only you realised you don’t need any goddamn-” he gestured wildly, “-stupid fucking kiss flower and magic love arrow for me to like you.”

“Yuu,” Lavi whined, nuzzling into his shoulder. Kanda didn’t pull away. “I _really_ like you, Yuu. Like, unhealthily so. I like you so much.”

“I get it, I get it,” Kanda said softly. “I do. Now shut up, because I actually got you something and I want you to stop talking.”

Kanda leaned over to the paper bag he had been carrying up to the apartment. Lavi hadn’t asked what was inside, but he didn’t expect it to be a gift for him. The bag was shoved into his arms, so he peeled open the top to reveal a succulent plant in a pristine, white enamel pot.

“Yuu, this is-”

“I know,” Kanda said. “You’re probably sick of plants after what happened up there.” He gestured towards the sky.

“No, it’s perfect!” Lavi exclaimed. “I’m gonna name him Yuu, and I’ll love him ‘til I die!”

Kanda chuckled lightly, the sound under his breath. “You’re foolish, Lavi,” he said. Then, he put a hand behind Lavi’s neck and pulled, kissing him under the crisp, grey winter sky. 

The breeze was frigid, but Lavi’s heart blossomed with warmth.

**Author's Note:**

> i didn't edit it too much but god its literally chaos BUT CHAOS IS FUN RIGHT? i love u kayejwrotes sry if this isnt exactly what you wanted i tried to make up for the lateness by making it as fuckshit crazy as possible... anyone else reading pls comment i'll be so happy to reply. n also talk to me on twitter @crystaitype i'm a devoted nea d. campbell stan


End file.
